Saturday, 21 July 2007

Divine intervention


Loic’s astounding powers of recovery never cease to amaze me. During the short span of his eventful life he has so far managed to lose most of an arm and a leg, suffered shell shock, suppurating sores and an infected arrow shot in his derriere. He has been blown up by the Germans, shot at with an arrow and set alight by youngest, and on two separate occasions, been almost flattened by his patron saint and a homemade aeroplane, and all with barely a whimper uttered.

If it were not for a rather unpleasant groin injury received at Passiondale, and his missing appendages he would be a fine figure of a man. Since his most recent escapade he appears to have gathered quite a little following amongst the women in the village, a fact that has not gone unnoticed by amongst the clergy.

The young village cure has swiftly come up with a somewhat cunning plan to supplement his income; using several large pieces of the fallen and charred masonry from the church tower, an old sheet and an upturned apple box, he has hastily constructed a rude shrine to St Fiancre , complete with votive candles, flowers and the slightly damaged statue of the saint himself, next to which he has placed a small wooden bowl with a slot for collecting offerings of money supposedly for the restoration of the church tower. Already the bowl is quite heavy with donations and he has also sensibly provided large covered baskets for those who may wish to contribute offerings other than coins of the realm. I understand yesterday alone the saint received a large piece of salted cod, two chickens, a cabbage and a quart of milk , which should fill the presbytery larder nicely, not to mention 15 Francs in small coinage and a brass button.

There have been mutterings in the village about miracles and it is hoped that the Bishop will be asked to come and consecrate the shrine and even say mass. All sorts of tales are running about concerning the saint’s powers and there has even been talk that the statue has been blessed with the gift of healing after Loics resurrection from the dead. As for Loic himself , It is only a matter of days since his death and yet already this morning I espied him out in the potager hoeing the asparagus bed looking for all the world as if nothing had happened. Of course if one looks closely one can see his foot is on back to front and there is a rather strange kink in the artificial leg which is causing him to walk with a slight spring in his step but nothing that the Jacques can not cure with the help of a lump hammer and a bit of brute force.

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I thought you might be interested to see the makeshift shrine erected by our young curé. The rather rustic gentleman sitting behind the box with a small bell is Herve la Bile whom I understand the curé has employed at a rate of 3 jugs of rough cider a day to guard the statue of St Fiancre. The bell is for those moments when he may need to take a break for a call of nature the curé having insisted that he is not allowed to relieve himself in front of the saint. I understand from Madame Grognonne that Herve being a lifelong sufferer of Haemorrhoids is rather hoping for some divine intervention himself.

11 comments:

cardinal_wolsey said...

UPL, thank you for your kind comment on my blog. I will certainly drop by from time to time to keep up with the Loufoque saga. I see G.Depardieu or J.Reno playing the part of Loic in the TV adaptation. Regards, CW.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Whoever does play the part of Loic, I hope they are prepared for the unfortunate mishaps that the poor chap endures.

Very well written as always, Unpeu.

Crystal xx

Grouse said...

You cant pull the wool over my eyes........strange kink indeed.......I suspect I know too well the cause of the spring in his step!!!!!!!!!

Blossomcottage said...

Loic clearly is a remarkable man, sadly there are few like him.
Blossom

ChrisH said...

So glad to hear that nothing has changed Chez Loufoque whilst I have been rinsing out the little grey cells in Aberystwyth.

Suffolkmum said...

i thought that Loic sounded like a fine figure of a man, I can see him played by Depardieu too ...

Fennie said...

Oh no, his nose is too big - and he would steal the show - besides I have yet to hear Loic say anything and you couldn't give the erstwhile Colonel Chabert (surely Monsieur D's best role) a non-speaking part.

I am more intrigued by who should play St Fiancre whom I take to be a woman. The face is delicate and feminine, the hat reminiscent of something that came from the milliners (though in the days when the lacemakers of Quimper were on strike), the figure is slight (like I imagine Loic to be) with quite a bust swelling under the sackcloth tunic.

No wonder that Herve La Bile is giving her the once over and is forbidden from performing in front of her.

The saint's eyes are cast down in modesty - but just in case, she seems to be carrying an oar. Maybe it's for lancing haemorragininous boils at a safe distance. If Loic fell on that no wonder he now has a kink in his leg.

Tell Loic to save me some asparagus.

UN PEU LOUFOQUE said...

Oh no St F definately a man !That is one of the odd Breton spades he is carrying they do not have handles, makes them very difficult to dig with hence gardenenrs need his help to stop them getting blisters from gripping to hard!!I think part of the blade probably got knocked off by falling masonry during the explosion.. You might have noticed the small figure at the side of the Saint reaching up, that, I understand,is a haemorhoid sufferer trying to get hold of the saints lancing instrument. Of course becasue of his afflicaiton he can not reach very far. Hair cut defenitaley an indication that during teh 13th or 14th centurey pudding basin lookw as definately the in thing around here for hairdressers!!

HM actors ? Definately not Gerard depardue, far too beefy but I think possibly Gaspard Ulliel who plays the lead in the very long engagemetn opposite Audrey Tautou who would make an excellant Eldest!! Jean Reno as Jacques, much to tall of course but terribly wicked and charming and what could be more loufoque than a strapping grat man like him playign a diminutuve jockey!! Chantal Neuwirth I think would be a fantastic Madame Grognonen even thogh she usaully plays jolly benign cahracters I am sure she is just the right shape and could probably play grumpy very well given the opportuntiy!!!

Fennie said...

Goodness, the things one doesn't see in pictures! If that is a spade how ever did Breton agriculture ever begin? The little figure (who surely wasn't there the first time I looked) must be a species of 'little person,' some dryad or naiad or leprechaun. Not clerical anyway (unless it's a Cherub - no, not fat enough!) And what is that little contraption apparently supporting Herve's ....er, groin? And did you notice the bundle of dynamite sticks on the wall behind the saint just about to blow everyone to kingdom come............

In the circumstances I think we'll leave the casting until another day. How's Loic getting on with the asparagus?

muddyboots said...

could you not perhaps leave an unkinked leg lying around just in case the spirit takes him......

WesterWitch/Headmistress said...

Hurrah again for Loic - rushing on.