Dear Madame,
I am very (retissent, rottiscent , rattissscent),umm not willing to upset your holiday especially when sir sounds as if he is having a good time rolling in he mud with his new friend Lawrence but we have had a slight problem with the gendarmes here on account of you telling me the chief Druid was dead. I do not know who told you he was dead but they are very wrong because he was here only half an hour ago and very cross with me he was too for telling the sardine gutters he had snuffed it and was in trouble for nicking underwear and such like.
I told him it was you who said it and now the Gendarme has come , him who has a wife whom I shot in the bottom, and he would like a quiet word with you too, only I explained that you were not here and then it got nasty cos the gendarme said “AHA!! “ in a very loud voice “So she has spread rumours and now has run away in to hiding !” and I said no you was on your holiday cos you needed a rest what with Loic and the sardine gutters and you were somewhere and I was pretty sure it wasn’t a place called Hiding cos that dint sound very French to me and he said likely story and I said are you calling me a liar and he said yes and Jacques hit him on the nose for calling me one and then the gendarmes nose bled like a nobodies business and there was lots of shouting and the noise upset Loics pigs who were in the kitchen with us at the time being on account of them still missing Loic like mad and they bit the gendarme on his derriere so the gendarme kicked the pig and Jacques said that was not a nice thing to do to a harmless pig and kicked the gendarme and said ”see how you like it cochon!” and the gendarme fell over backwards and hit his head on the fender and is out cold but breathing..Just. I think.
Jaques says we should finish him off and no one would know and then we could bury him in the melon beds but I said know you and I were saving that place for a just in case we needed it thingy.
I am very (retissent, rottiscent , rattissscent),umm not willing to upset your holiday especially when sir sounds as if he is having a good time rolling in he mud with his new friend Lawrence but we have had a slight problem with the gendarmes here on account of you telling me the chief Druid was dead. I do not know who told you he was dead but they are very wrong because he was here only half an hour ago and very cross with me he was too for telling the sardine gutters he had snuffed it and was in trouble for nicking underwear and such like.
I told him it was you who said it and now the Gendarme has come , him who has a wife whom I shot in the bottom, and he would like a quiet word with you too, only I explained that you were not here and then it got nasty cos the gendarme said “AHA!! “ in a very loud voice “So she has spread rumours and now has run away in to hiding !” and I said no you was on your holiday cos you needed a rest what with Loic and the sardine gutters and you were somewhere and I was pretty sure it wasn’t a place called Hiding cos that dint sound very French to me and he said likely story and I said are you calling me a liar and he said yes and Jacques hit him on the nose for calling me one and then the gendarmes nose bled like a nobodies business and there was lots of shouting and the noise upset Loics pigs who were in the kitchen with us at the time being on account of them still missing Loic like mad and they bit the gendarme on his derriere so the gendarme kicked the pig and Jacques said that was not a nice thing to do to a harmless pig and kicked the gendarme and said ”see how you like it cochon!” and the gendarme fell over backwards and hit his head on the fender and is out cold but breathing..Just. I think.
Jaques says we should finish him off and no one would know and then we could bury him in the melon beds but I said know you and I were saving that place for a just in case we needed it thingy.
Please advise as quick as possible what is best to do.. I await your swiftest response. Meanwhile we have locked the gendarme in the cellar.
Yours Madame Grognonne,
ps I have enclosed a photograph of the gendarmes wife so you can see what she looks like, as you can see she is still having trouble sitting properly as her behind is a bit sore after I accidentally shot her. I Reckon she is an efnic monarity too but Jaques reckons she might be portuguese.
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21 comments:
From molehills these mountains do arise;
Dear Madame Loufouque from your holiday reprise...
It is always the same with holidays - you leave needing a well earned rest and within minutes on your return I fear you'll be needing another....
The gendarmes wife looks very scary!! i would stay on holiday a while longer..xx hehe
Oohh, that lady looks rather rabid...perhaps I would look the same though having been shot!
I have to admit that I have no idea what it going on here - but it looks like fun - I will have to start from the first blog, I think, so I'll catch up in about a year...x
Is there to be no rest for our dear UPL? I fear, though, that all this worry over crises domestic will take her attention from where it really should be - on M. and whatever he is doing with is new friend.
UPL I feel you need to get back home and sort it all out. Melon beds are troublesome things and maybe the gendarme will enrich the soil just a little too much.
I fear Madame Grogonne's grip on the running of the household has gone to pot... what is it? Drink? Drugs? Too much rolling in the melon beds? Didn't she used to be rather a stern old thing? Send her to rehab.
A marvellous post as always. Mdme Grognonnes seems to talk a bit like me from Wigan..!
Crystal xx
I advise concreting over the lot of them and starting again. But that I suppose would be against the law.
Goodness me, I wouldn't like to be on the wrong side of that lady - she looks well scary. What a palarver! I wait with baited breath to hear how Mmme G will get out of this one...
The gendames wife looks rather forbidding.Can't go round letting Mne G shoot people!
What a fantastic picture. Oh poor Mme G - she does get herself into bother - I do hope she gets some good advice soon.
Where did you get that photograph of me?
My Goodness, that Madame looks real scary, I fear it is the shoot in the bottom that has done it.!!
Camilla.x
What an evocative photo you have provided.
Such comments!
xo
OOH really enjoying these postcards hoping Madame stays away for a while and so glad you are able to transcribe Madame Grogronne's more accurately than Madame Loufoque is doing.
In my opinion the best to do is for you to get my clock. This way you can choose time and day you want to avoid others to remember what you've do.
I do myself use it each time I want and always get back to tea time. Very useful indeed!
That's some piece of advice from The Naked Madhatter.
If you have time , Have a look at my Madhatter Hat Contest. I'm sure you can find something nice to wear.
http://nakedmadhatter.blogspot.com/2007/09/madhatter-hat-contest.html
Kind regards,
The Naked Madhatter.
By the way, you're now linked from my blog.
Kind regards,
The naked Madhatter
Dont trouble yourself with these minor fritterings of the staff.......shold M. G do the deed she needs only to leave the kitchen for but a short while and the dear little pigs will have dealt with the problem admirably......off you trot and attend to your husband.........
Brilliant as ever UPL! And I do love that picture xxx
Oh dear - it looks as though when you return you will instantly need to go on holiday again to get over the mess that is msuhrooming in your absence . . .
I appreciate the concreting (see above) may take a little time.....
mais ou est le prochain épisode?
Tes lecteurs t'attendent.
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